Lately the dreams of having more children and being a complete family have been heavy on my heart. I believe that God has a plan and that someday again He will give me the desires of my heart. It's just the waiting and having trust and patience as my sister would say.
I am so exposed to engagements and new pregnancies lately and while I am thrilled for these exciting new things for my loved ones, they also just make those desires a bit more stronger for me. It almost reminds me of the struggle I had with infertility. And that makes me think of my 9 frozen embryos even more than I normally would.
Hmmm, "my" not "ours" but "my". Even that seems strange still. It's the reality of it now though. When he made choices for our family, he also made choices for our embryos. I was scared for their unknown future and in some ways I still am. There is not a day that I don't think of them or pray for them.
I always thought that by now I would have that second baby or at least be pregnant. It's another dream that I had that is lost, at least for a time. There were lots of things I dreamed of doing as a family when I was pregnant with Kaden. And this summer, we have actually fulfilled some of those dreams. I am strong enough now to realize that although our family may look different than what I imagined, it does not mean that Kaden and I (my family) can't fulfill those dreams just the two of us.
And so just as those dreams are being filled in different ways than what I imagined, I just have to dig a little deeper some days and reminds myself that other dreams of having more children and being a complete family may very well come true as well. It just has to happen in HIS time and HIS way. And meanwhile I need to work on the "trust and patience".
I am so exposed to engagements and new pregnancies lately and while I am thrilled for these exciting new things for my loved ones, they also just make those desires a bit more stronger for me. It almost reminds me of the struggle I had with infertility. And that makes me think of my 9 frozen embryos even more than I normally would.
Hmmm, "my" not "ours" but "my". Even that seems strange still. It's the reality of it now though. When he made choices for our family, he also made choices for our embryos. I was scared for their unknown future and in some ways I still am. There is not a day that I don't think of them or pray for them.
I always thought that by now I would have that second baby or at least be pregnant. It's another dream that I had that is lost, at least for a time. There were lots of things I dreamed of doing as a family when I was pregnant with Kaden. And this summer, we have actually fulfilled some of those dreams. I am strong enough now to realize that although our family may look different than what I imagined, it does not mean that Kaden and I (my family) can't fulfill those dreams just the two of us.
And so just as those dreams are being filled in different ways than what I imagined, I just have to dig a little deeper some days and reminds myself that other dreams of having more children and being a complete family may very well come true as well. It just has to happen in HIS time and HIS way. And meanwhile I need to work on the "trust and patience".
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