Another First

Sunday morning I kissed my baby boy goodbye and he left to go on vacation for four days with his Daddy. Leadning up to Sunday I was dreading it big time! I had talked it up huge for Kaden. I wanted him to be excited and I wanted him to have a good time with his Daddy.

I cried after his Dad picked him up Sunday morning and I was not sure how in the world I was going to get through the next four days. I kept myself busy and I actually handled it very well. I almost felt guilty saying I was enjoying the break. Thankfully most people reminded me that was okay to enjoy my break especially since I don't get them very often.

I went for my first motorcycle ride. (I may have loved it so much that I may have to consider that a must for the next guy I date, lol!) I picked up Kaden's bedrails and converted it from a toddler bed to a full size bed, I picked up my bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding, cleaned the house, had a bridal shower for my soon to be sister-in-law and went out with friends at night. Oh and worked of course.

I talked to Kaden tonight and hearing his little voice just made me realize just how much I miss him. I am super excited that tomorrow I get to go pick him up and bring him home!! I can't wait to show him his new bed, although I dare say tomorrow he will be snuggling in bed with me!

Hudsonville Fair Night

Tonight Kaden and I went to the Hudsonsville fair with my friend and his two kids. We started out with the animal barns but the kids were running through those pretty quickly. Kaden was in his glory on all the John Deere equipment and I have no doubt that as far as he was concerned we could have stayed right there all night and he would have been thrilled. We did manage to get him away from the tractors finally and we headed to the rides. Kaden was so overstimulated at first and was definitely not sure of it all. I took Kaden on the train ride first and he busted into tears because he wasn't in the engine, lol! Thankfully, he settled down and loved the ride! Kaden went on a few rides and I actually went down the big slide with him to which he quickly told me "I not doing that again, Mom!" Our night came to an end when the thunderstorm rolled in, bummer.

I loved watching Kaden take it all in and I loved spending time with him. I remember back in the day going to the Hudsonville fair every single summer and how fun it was to run into so many people you knew. Not so sure I love that aspect anymore. It was a bit difficult tonight for me. At any given point I could point out at least three people that I knew. There are some people who interact with me, tell me how great I look and how cute Kaden is, those who genuinely care about me and what is going on in my life. Then there are those who do the "how are you" with the pity divorce twist to it. There are those who I cringe at the thought of talking to because I dare say they run with any bit of gossip they can get on me. There are those who see I am with a guy and make assumptions, or think oh yeah she is finally with someone, or who plain just don't think I should be moving on. And then there are those who stare at me but ignore me all together as if I have a disease. Sigh, And maybe sigh again. Three summers later and this is still defining me. Sigh.

I know for some people they are just uncomfortable and they don't know what to say. I get that. I know for others they may even think they are the last person I would want to talk to. Fair but I promise I don't bite. Just please don't treat me like I am broke, like I have a disease or like I am broken.

And I know some people are just so excited to see me with a guy because they love me and want nothing more than to see me moving on and having my happily ever after too. I get that and I appreciate it. And I urge you then to pray that God blesses me and Kaden with that man in His time. Until then, just know I am content and I am happy. I did the dating thing and had my heart broken and quite honestly I am in no rush to put my heart back out there again.

For those who talk to me and treat me as any other normal human being, thank you! I love nothing more than interacting with people who can be so real and true with me. People who want to hear how I am doing but also who want to share how their lives are going. People who make me feel like far more than "that divorced girl".

I look forward to the day when this divorce isn't something people use to define me anymore.

Love for my Baby

Kaden Luis - I love you more and more and more everyday and just when I think I couldn't possibly love you anymore . . . I do! Your smile and laughter light up my life and can turn the most awful day to the best day ever! I can't get enough of your hugs and kisses and my heart melts when you rub my arm and tell me you love me. I love you yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever sweet baby boy of mine!

Balance

I feel like right now I am struggling to find balance and define the balance I desire in my life. I am searching for the best way to balance family, friends, self and work. I know a big part of that is the new parenting schedule we are now implementing and in addition to that it's some changes in my work schedule.

A month ago my weeks were pretty much the same. Work 32 hours a week with Wednesdays off. Monday nights were personal training for me while Kaden went with his Daddy for an hour and a half instead of me getting a sitter, Wednesday nights were me going to spin class while Kaden was with his Daddy for his three hour midweek visit and then every other weekend Kaden would go with his Daddy from Saturday morning until Sunday evening so those were the weekends that I would make plans to go out and be with friends.

The beginning of the month all that changed. Kaden's Daddy got a new position at work so due to his new hours he now takes Kaden for three hours every other Monday and the opposite weeks he has Kaden for his overnight from Sunday morning until Monday evening. So I no longer have him to watch Kaden every Monday while I go to personal training and I no longer have every Wednesday night off to go to spin class and instead of having every other Saturday as my night out with friends I have a Sunday night which doesn't exactly work well when most people are winding down from their weekends and getting ready for a new work week.

And now in addition to all that there are some changes in my work schedule. Instead of 32 hours a week with Wednesdays off, my weeks will now rotate. It will be 31 hours one week with Wednesdays off and 39 hours the other week with no days off.

And so I am struggling to find the balance again.

I have been doing spin for quite a few months now and I added personal training to that about two months ago. The last month with being on vacation and then being sick with the kidney stones I was missing out on it and I can tell a HUGE difference in my everyday life in so many ways. Not only do I feel so much better when I am active and taking part in those classes but I also know its a huge stress reliever for me. The personal training and spin classes are something I do for me and I know they are of great benefit for me.

As hard as it was to adjust to having Kaden gone overnight every other Saturday night, I had learn to embrace that time and take advantage of the free time and enjoy that time with my friends. I also learned that it was always best for me to be doing something because when I was home without him I felt so lost, almost like I had lost my sense of purpose. But now, my down night is a Sunday night so I have to find a way to not feel lost and not lose my sense of purpose. In addition to that, I want to be able to spend time with my friends while still managing to put Kaden first. And I am not sure I know how to work that yet. And let's face it getting a sitter to go out is not cheap.

Kaden spent the night at my parent's tonight as I had plans with my coworkers. I had a great time tonight and enjoyed being able to relax and have fun with friends. And yet when I come home, I question if sacrificing a night with Kaden is really what I want to do.

So many people are quick to say it's good for me to go out and take care of me and that it's good for Kaden for me to take a break. Sure, I agree with that. And yet when does it become too much or maybe even too little? In the blink of an eye he will grow up and I don't want to miss that. I want to know I raised my son, not a million other people.

I think the first step in finding balance will be learning to accept that I may be missing out on fun with friends but its worth it because I am not missing out on being a Mom to the most amazing little boy ever!

I keep reminding myself that finding balance is not just a single Mom thing, we all struggle with it in one way or another. And I also have to remind myself that the balance someone else chooses may not be what would be best for me or for Kaden. We all have our different ways of balancing life. I just pray I am not failing at it.

A Kidney Stone . . . PAINFUL!!!

It's amazing how quickly a weekend can change. I had such a great weekend! I had friends over to play Euchre on Friday, Saturday Kaden and I went to the zoo with friends and then at night I had friends over for my Euchre and a fire, and then Sunday Kaden left in the morning for his overnight with Daddy and I had friends over again that night to play Euchre. (We are a tad Euchre obsessed right now, ha!)

When I was on vacation a few weeks ago I had what I thought was a UTI and had my doctor call in a prescription since I was on vacation. I felt better by the time I got home but then the weekend following vacation I started to feel sick again. I woke up with terrible pain in my lower back one night that literally left me screaming and crying in pain. I fought my way through it and eventually fell asleep. After talking to my doctor and a few friends we came to the conclusion that my UTI had probably become a kidney infection. I have no insurance so I was very hesitant to go to the doctor so when a friend said she had meds she never took from her kidney infection I ran with it. (I know, not good!) After a few days I was feeling better so I figured the meds did their job.

I have to admit the past few weeks I have not been feeling myself but I kept chalking it up to the stress at work right now. That and I have an extremely high pain tolerance! I would occasionally have shooting pain in my lower back but it wouldd go away pretty quickly. And it was so random it was not anything that I was concerned about.

Until last night . . .I went to bed around 11 and an hour later I was wide awake with extreme pain! No matter what I did I could not get comfortable. I kept thinking if I could fall asleep it would be better when I woke up but I could not fall asleep. Then I started throwing up and the pain just kept getting worse. After four hours of this I realized waiting to see my primary doctor when they opened was not an option, I needed to go in now! So at 4:30 I got up and got myself somewhat presentable and drove myself to the emergency room.

On the way there, I called my Mom so someone at least knew where I was. I think I downplayed the pain to her because I really just thought it was a UTI. I have to say the hospital did great. Within 15 minutes of getting there I was in a room and seeing a doctor. As soon as they confirmed I could have someone give me a ride home they gave me pain meds and nausea meds through my IV. Although they relaxed me I was still in so much pain. The doctor told me I had no kidney infection or bladder infection so he wanted to have a CAT scan done to check for a kidney stone, I thought he was crazy! Thankfully they were pretty quick about getting me in for the CAT scan and within a half hour he came in to tell me I did indeed have a kidney stone. I was still somewhat shocked! At this point my parents were on their way to pick me up so the nurse gave me another dose of pain meds in hopes that I could sleep when I got home.

It's been a long day and I was not able to sleep much at all because I kept waking up from the pain. I had four prescriptions to fill, two of them being for pain. The good news is that I passed the stone this afternoon. It was crazy to me to see such a teeny tiny litle thing and know it caused me so much pain, unreal!

It was a very strange feeling to drive myself to the emergency room and spend the first two hours there alone. It really made my single life hit home to me and made me very sad. At the same time though I am thankful because I know that there were SO many people that would have some if I would have made that phone call. And maybe part of it is I need to be willing to ask for that help when needed.

So right now I am looking forward to a good night sleep. I am still in a bit of pain because apparently my kidney was inflamed but in a few days that should be gone too. And I can't help but laugh, my Dad has had four kidney stones and my sister even had one so now I really can look at them and tell them a kidney stone is indeed worse than childbirth.

Thanks for loving me today everyone. Between the phone calls, texts, emails, messages and visits there is no doubt in my mind that I am one well loved person and that is a blessing!

Out of the Mouth of Babes

Tonight this sweet little boy was eating his bedtime snack with me when he randomly looked at me and said "Mommy you are beautiful". He has said this one other time to me when he saw me all dressed up but tonight I was in workout clothes with my hair in a ponytail bless his heart!

I know before I know it I will forget all the cute things he says and does on a daily basis. I wish I could record every single one of them! Last Saturday my Mom and I just sat there watching him and listening to him and we were cracking up. He is just so animated!

He calls my sister's boyfriend Brad, "Uncle Bad". He still calls my sister Megan "Aunt MoMo" but occasionally he will know call her "Mo" or "Meg". I still melt when he tells me he loves me but one of my other favorites is when he says "Hold me, Mom". Lately he tells me "I show you something" and it usually means he is telling on himself for something. My other favorite is "I be careful" whenever he is doing something he knows I will tell him to stop doing. He is terrified of the garbage truck and tells me "its sarry Mom". He seems to be scared of an awful lot these days. When asked what his Mommy does for work he will tell you "plays with money". My favorite though is when you ask him what his Uncle Will does and with all the pride in the world he says "he is a soldier".

Faith Like A Child

I love this sweet little boy with all my heart! I pray daily for that God will equip me to be his Mommy and help him grow in every way. Lately, I feel such huge pressure to raise him in a way pleasing to God. To teach him to love and honor God in all he does.

I have really made it an effort this summer to ensure we are in church every Sunday. This was something in the past both in my previous marriage and after the divorce that I would let slide from time to time. Now I see how it affects me personally when I miss a Sunday and so I made this commitment for me but I also made it for Kaden. I know he has not been going with his Daddy this summer and I really hope and pray that truly is just becaue of their summer schedule. Regardless though, I know its up to me to ensure I bring him there and teach him the importance of church. And that at times feels like a HUGE burden to me because I am so afraid of failing.

Its not always easy for me to fight the battle Satan seems to wage on Sunday mornings. Its hard for me to go to church alone. I am thankful that I have friends to sit with but from time to time they end up not being there. Once I am in church I am good to go and always thankful I pushed through the battle and didn't let Satan win. The Sunday mornings without Kaden can be even harder for me. I always feel so much more alone when Kaden is gone. I look forward to the days when I will have someone to share my Sundays with again.

I started going to a different church a few months ago for several reasons, one of them being I loved the children's program they had for Kaden. It melted my heart to have him tell me he learned about God. Today I picked him up from his room and as we were walking out to the car I asked him what he learned about today. He carefully put his fingers on my face and looked right into my eyes and said "Jesus lives in my heart, Mom and I love him". I seriously think I could have cried.

I pray daily that there is a fire burning in his heart for Jesus and that it will only grow brighter. To have my sweet little boy tell me he knows Jesus lives in his heart and that he loves Him was one of the best moments ever! And it was in that moment that I realized, although I may not always do it right and althought it may seem hard at times, it is all worth it and I am doing something right!

I am thankful for the children's program at church, for a Christian daycare center and for my parents and so many more who are helping me teach Kaden about God. I do feel the burden to raise Kaden as a Christian and I am so thankful that God is giving me tools in my life to assist me.

It was a blessing tonight to talk with Kaden more about Jesus living in his heart before we said his bedtime prayers. When I asked him what Jesus was doing in his heart he told me "helping me be good" and "because He loves me Mom". Oh melt my heart sweet boy! And then as he said his prayers we got to the part where I tell him to tell God what he is thankful for, normally its his toys, something fun we did or a person on his mind. Tonight it was all that but he also said "thank you for Jesus in my heart."

So while I pray God continues to equip me to be a God fearing parent and raise Kaden in a way pleasing to him. I also need to thank God for my sweet little boy who is teaching me so much with his faith like a child.

My Theme Song

The other day one of my friends had a post on Facebook asking what your theme song would be if you could chose one. I laughed at it and lost the thought. Then as I was driving to work the other day "Constant" by Francesca Battestelli came on and as I listened to the lyrics I thought this would be my theme song.

Here are the lyrics:

I'm just a little bit afraid of where I'm going
And it feels like a hurricane is blowing over
Though I can't find the ground below
I've lived enough to know
I've lived enough to know
You're my constant in every moment
Constant
You've never failed me
All my life
You have never left my side
You are my constant
Okay I really don't like change but I can't stop it
I'm moving forward with the promise
You are the anchor for my soul
That's all I need to know
That's all I need to know
Before I was a thought on earth
You knew me then and You gave me worth
When all of this is said and done
You will be the One I'm standing on




This song gives me goosebumps everytime I hear it. I look back at the many different journeys I have traveled and see just how true it all has been. And I find comfort in knowing that whatever journeys lie ahead it will still be true.

Special Men

I want to start off this post by saying how thankful I am that Kaden has a Daddy who still chooses to be a part of his life and who is also consistent in his life. I know there are many little ones out there who have a parent who has abandoned them all together or if they are around are not consistent. Kaden has a great relationship with his Daddy and I pray he always does.

That doesn't mean there is not still a role that is lacking in his life. Kaden doesn't have the privelage of having two parents in his everyday life. While he has that positive male role model in his Daddy while he is with him, when he is with me he does not have that constant role model in his everyday life. So I am beyond thankful for the amazing men in Kaden's life who love him unconditionally and go above and beyond to fill that role every chance they get. From my own Dad who is one amazing Papa, to my my little brother who makes a great Uncle, to my friends husbands and my extended family, Kaden is one blessed little boy.

Mowing the lawn with our neighbor Chris

Building sandcastles with my friend Kari's fiance, Brent

Driving the boat with my Uncle Ray (aka Papa Ray)

Doing "pop-its" with Uncle Will

One of Kaden's very favorite men, Papa!

So to those special men in my life and my son's life who go above and beyond, thank you! It means SO much to me and I know someday Kaden will also appreciate it.

Trust and Patience

Lately the dreams of having more children and being a complete family have been heavy on my heart. I believe that God has a plan and that someday again He will give me the desires of my heart. It's just the waiting and having trust and patience as my sister would say.

I am so exposed to engagements and new pregnancies lately and while I am thrilled for these exciting new things for my loved ones, they also just make those desires a bit more stronger for me. It almost reminds me of the struggle I had with infertility. And that makes me think of my 9 frozen embryos even more than I normally would.

Hmmm, "my" not "ours" but "my". Even that seems strange still. It's the reality of it now though. When he made choices for our family, he also made choices for our embryos. I was scared for their unknown future and in some ways I still am. There is not a day that I don't think of them or pray for them.

I always thought that by now I would have that second baby or at least be pregnant. It's another dream that I had that is lost, at least for a time. There were lots of things I dreamed of doing as a family when I was pregnant with Kaden. And this summer, we have actually fulfilled some of those dreams. I am strong enough now to realize that although our family may look different than what I imagined, it does not mean that Kaden and I (my family) can't fulfill those dreams just the two of us.

And so just as those dreams are being filled in different ways than what I imagined, I just have to dig a little deeper some days and reminds myself that other dreams of having more children and being a complete family may very well come true as well. It just has to happen in HIS time and HIS way. And meanwhile I need to work on the "trust and patience".