You Are My Sunshine

I have sung "You Are My Sunshine" to Kaden from the time I was pregnant with him. Kaden doesn't really love to sing with me but this is one song he will let me sing. I was tickled pink the other day when I started singing it and he actually sang along. Melt my heart!!! As I laid in bed with him that night I decided I needed to video this moment. I knew he wouldn't do it if he knew he was being video taped so this video is pretty much pitch black with us singing in the background. And at the end you hear our nightly routine of how much Mommy loves him and how long Mommy loves him. I will savor this video forever! So precious!

Our Family Is Growing!

This is my sister Megan and her fiance, Brad. Their wedding is March 2012!

And this is my brother Will and his fiance, Gina. Their wedding is December 10, 2011.

As you can see my family has a pretty exciting few months ahead of us. My baby brother gets married in December and my baby sister gets married in March! My sister just got engaged a few weeks ago and I could not be more excited. The best part is I adore my soon to be sister-in-law Gina as well as my soon to be brother-in-law Brad. They are both great fits for my siblings and our family. It's truly a blessing to know God brought two amazing individuals into our family and more importantly into my brother and sister's lives.

And now the infamous question I get, how I am handling all this? To be honest, for the most part I am handling it well. I had a moment where I cried after my sister's engagement only because I always thought it would have been a moment my ex would have shared with us, he was like a big brother to her and knowing he no longer is a part of any of this hit me for a bit. Other than that moment, I am loving this! Believe it or not, I have never stood up in any weddings so I am pretty excited to be standing up for my brother and even more excited to be my sister's maid of honor! And of course, the best part is Kaden gets to be the ring bearer for both of them!!!

I do have days where I feel a bit overwhelmed with all the wedding talk. After all, I have a wedding for one of my friends this month, I am helping my friend plan her destination wedding in March and then add in my brother and sister's weddings and at times I need to escape it. But at the same time, I refuse to let anything get in the way of being a part of all the special moments with my sister.

If anything, all this makes me dream of the day God brings a man into my life again. I keep reminding myself that God knows the desires of my heart and in His time and His way He will fulfill them.

Another First

Sunday morning I kissed my baby boy goodbye and he left to go on vacation for four days with his Daddy. Leadning up to Sunday I was dreading it big time! I had talked it up huge for Kaden. I wanted him to be excited and I wanted him to have a good time with his Daddy.

I cried after his Dad picked him up Sunday morning and I was not sure how in the world I was going to get through the next four days. I kept myself busy and I actually handled it very well. I almost felt guilty saying I was enjoying the break. Thankfully most people reminded me that was okay to enjoy my break especially since I don't get them very often.

I went for my first motorcycle ride. (I may have loved it so much that I may have to consider that a must for the next guy I date, lol!) I picked up Kaden's bedrails and converted it from a toddler bed to a full size bed, I picked up my bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding, cleaned the house, had a bridal shower for my soon to be sister-in-law and went out with friends at night. Oh and worked of course.

I talked to Kaden tonight and hearing his little voice just made me realize just how much I miss him. I am super excited that tomorrow I get to go pick him up and bring him home!! I can't wait to show him his new bed, although I dare say tomorrow he will be snuggling in bed with me!

Hudsonville Fair Night

Tonight Kaden and I went to the Hudsonsville fair with my friend and his two kids. We started out with the animal barns but the kids were running through those pretty quickly. Kaden was in his glory on all the John Deere equipment and I have no doubt that as far as he was concerned we could have stayed right there all night and he would have been thrilled. We did manage to get him away from the tractors finally and we headed to the rides. Kaden was so overstimulated at first and was definitely not sure of it all. I took Kaden on the train ride first and he busted into tears because he wasn't in the engine, lol! Thankfully, he settled down and loved the ride! Kaden went on a few rides and I actually went down the big slide with him to which he quickly told me "I not doing that again, Mom!" Our night came to an end when the thunderstorm rolled in, bummer.

I loved watching Kaden take it all in and I loved spending time with him. I remember back in the day going to the Hudsonville fair every single summer and how fun it was to run into so many people you knew. Not so sure I love that aspect anymore. It was a bit difficult tonight for me. At any given point I could point out at least three people that I knew. There are some people who interact with me, tell me how great I look and how cute Kaden is, those who genuinely care about me and what is going on in my life. Then there are those who do the "how are you" with the pity divorce twist to it. There are those who I cringe at the thought of talking to because I dare say they run with any bit of gossip they can get on me. There are those who see I am with a guy and make assumptions, or think oh yeah she is finally with someone, or who plain just don't think I should be moving on. And then there are those who stare at me but ignore me all together as if I have a disease. Sigh, And maybe sigh again. Three summers later and this is still defining me. Sigh.

I know for some people they are just uncomfortable and they don't know what to say. I get that. I know for others they may even think they are the last person I would want to talk to. Fair but I promise I don't bite. Just please don't treat me like I am broke, like I have a disease or like I am broken.

And I know some people are just so excited to see me with a guy because they love me and want nothing more than to see me moving on and having my happily ever after too. I get that and I appreciate it. And I urge you then to pray that God blesses me and Kaden with that man in His time. Until then, just know I am content and I am happy. I did the dating thing and had my heart broken and quite honestly I am in no rush to put my heart back out there again.

For those who talk to me and treat me as any other normal human being, thank you! I love nothing more than interacting with people who can be so real and true with me. People who want to hear how I am doing but also who want to share how their lives are going. People who make me feel like far more than "that divorced girl".

I look forward to the day when this divorce isn't something people use to define me anymore.

Love for my Baby

Kaden Luis - I love you more and more and more everyday and just when I think I couldn't possibly love you anymore . . . I do! Your smile and laughter light up my life and can turn the most awful day to the best day ever! I can't get enough of your hugs and kisses and my heart melts when you rub my arm and tell me you love me. I love you yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever sweet baby boy of mine!

Balance

I feel like right now I am struggling to find balance and define the balance I desire in my life. I am searching for the best way to balance family, friends, self and work. I know a big part of that is the new parenting schedule we are now implementing and in addition to that it's some changes in my work schedule.

A month ago my weeks were pretty much the same. Work 32 hours a week with Wednesdays off. Monday nights were personal training for me while Kaden went with his Daddy for an hour and a half instead of me getting a sitter, Wednesday nights were me going to spin class while Kaden was with his Daddy for his three hour midweek visit and then every other weekend Kaden would go with his Daddy from Saturday morning until Sunday evening so those were the weekends that I would make plans to go out and be with friends.

The beginning of the month all that changed. Kaden's Daddy got a new position at work so due to his new hours he now takes Kaden for three hours every other Monday and the opposite weeks he has Kaden for his overnight from Sunday morning until Monday evening. So I no longer have him to watch Kaden every Monday while I go to personal training and I no longer have every Wednesday night off to go to spin class and instead of having every other Saturday as my night out with friends I have a Sunday night which doesn't exactly work well when most people are winding down from their weekends and getting ready for a new work week.

And now in addition to all that there are some changes in my work schedule. Instead of 32 hours a week with Wednesdays off, my weeks will now rotate. It will be 31 hours one week with Wednesdays off and 39 hours the other week with no days off.

And so I am struggling to find the balance again.

I have been doing spin for quite a few months now and I added personal training to that about two months ago. The last month with being on vacation and then being sick with the kidney stones I was missing out on it and I can tell a HUGE difference in my everyday life in so many ways. Not only do I feel so much better when I am active and taking part in those classes but I also know its a huge stress reliever for me. The personal training and spin classes are something I do for me and I know they are of great benefit for me.

As hard as it was to adjust to having Kaden gone overnight every other Saturday night, I had learn to embrace that time and take advantage of the free time and enjoy that time with my friends. I also learned that it was always best for me to be doing something because when I was home without him I felt so lost, almost like I had lost my sense of purpose. But now, my down night is a Sunday night so I have to find a way to not feel lost and not lose my sense of purpose. In addition to that, I want to be able to spend time with my friends while still managing to put Kaden first. And I am not sure I know how to work that yet. And let's face it getting a sitter to go out is not cheap.

Kaden spent the night at my parent's tonight as I had plans with my coworkers. I had a great time tonight and enjoyed being able to relax and have fun with friends. And yet when I come home, I question if sacrificing a night with Kaden is really what I want to do.

So many people are quick to say it's good for me to go out and take care of me and that it's good for Kaden for me to take a break. Sure, I agree with that. And yet when does it become too much or maybe even too little? In the blink of an eye he will grow up and I don't want to miss that. I want to know I raised my son, not a million other people.

I think the first step in finding balance will be learning to accept that I may be missing out on fun with friends but its worth it because I am not missing out on being a Mom to the most amazing little boy ever!

I keep reminding myself that finding balance is not just a single Mom thing, we all struggle with it in one way or another. And I also have to remind myself that the balance someone else chooses may not be what would be best for me or for Kaden. We all have our different ways of balancing life. I just pray I am not failing at it.

A Kidney Stone . . . PAINFUL!!!

It's amazing how quickly a weekend can change. I had such a great weekend! I had friends over to play Euchre on Friday, Saturday Kaden and I went to the zoo with friends and then at night I had friends over for my Euchre and a fire, and then Sunday Kaden left in the morning for his overnight with Daddy and I had friends over again that night to play Euchre. (We are a tad Euchre obsessed right now, ha!)

When I was on vacation a few weeks ago I had what I thought was a UTI and had my doctor call in a prescription since I was on vacation. I felt better by the time I got home but then the weekend following vacation I started to feel sick again. I woke up with terrible pain in my lower back one night that literally left me screaming and crying in pain. I fought my way through it and eventually fell asleep. After talking to my doctor and a few friends we came to the conclusion that my UTI had probably become a kidney infection. I have no insurance so I was very hesitant to go to the doctor so when a friend said she had meds she never took from her kidney infection I ran with it. (I know, not good!) After a few days I was feeling better so I figured the meds did their job.

I have to admit the past few weeks I have not been feeling myself but I kept chalking it up to the stress at work right now. That and I have an extremely high pain tolerance! I would occasionally have shooting pain in my lower back but it wouldd go away pretty quickly. And it was so random it was not anything that I was concerned about.

Until last night . . .I went to bed around 11 and an hour later I was wide awake with extreme pain! No matter what I did I could not get comfortable. I kept thinking if I could fall asleep it would be better when I woke up but I could not fall asleep. Then I started throwing up and the pain just kept getting worse. After four hours of this I realized waiting to see my primary doctor when they opened was not an option, I needed to go in now! So at 4:30 I got up and got myself somewhat presentable and drove myself to the emergency room.

On the way there, I called my Mom so someone at least knew where I was. I think I downplayed the pain to her because I really just thought it was a UTI. I have to say the hospital did great. Within 15 minutes of getting there I was in a room and seeing a doctor. As soon as they confirmed I could have someone give me a ride home they gave me pain meds and nausea meds through my IV. Although they relaxed me I was still in so much pain. The doctor told me I had no kidney infection or bladder infection so he wanted to have a CAT scan done to check for a kidney stone, I thought he was crazy! Thankfully they were pretty quick about getting me in for the CAT scan and within a half hour he came in to tell me I did indeed have a kidney stone. I was still somewhat shocked! At this point my parents were on their way to pick me up so the nurse gave me another dose of pain meds in hopes that I could sleep when I got home.

It's been a long day and I was not able to sleep much at all because I kept waking up from the pain. I had four prescriptions to fill, two of them being for pain. The good news is that I passed the stone this afternoon. It was crazy to me to see such a teeny tiny litle thing and know it caused me so much pain, unreal!

It was a very strange feeling to drive myself to the emergency room and spend the first two hours there alone. It really made my single life hit home to me and made me very sad. At the same time though I am thankful because I know that there were SO many people that would have some if I would have made that phone call. And maybe part of it is I need to be willing to ask for that help when needed.

So right now I am looking forward to a good night sleep. I am still in a bit of pain because apparently my kidney was inflamed but in a few days that should be gone too. And I can't help but laugh, my Dad has had four kidney stones and my sister even had one so now I really can look at them and tell them a kidney stone is indeed worse than childbirth.

Thanks for loving me today everyone. Between the phone calls, texts, emails, messages and visits there is no doubt in my mind that I am one well loved person and that is a blessing!