Thankful For My Many, Many Blessings

I am thankful for my faith. It’s the one always constant thing I have in my life. It gives me the strength to keep going even on the hardest days. It reminds me that even if I don’t like where I am at in my life, that I am exactly where God intends me to be. It reminds me that my story isn’t finished yet; His plans for my life are still unfolding. It gives me comfort when it think of the babies I have lost; knowing one day I will see them and hold them in my arms. My faith reminds me that God is always constant, always there and will never ever leave me. I am thankful that He gives me HOPE, thankful for the strength He gave me to get through some really tough times and thankful that He never left my side even when I screamed really loud.

I am thankful for Kaden. Kaden brings me unending joy and he lights up my life. There is nothing in the world that can compare to being his Mommy. I love waking up to his hugs and kisses. I love lying in bed at night reading books, singing songs and saying prayers together. I love when his tiny little fingers hold my hand. I love when he gently rubs my arm when I snuggle him. I love his innocence and the way he makes even the smallest thing in life seem like the best thing that ever happened. I always dreamed of being a Mommy but I never ever imagined it to be this amazing!

I am thankful for my parents. I am thankful that my Mom is able to spend two days a week with Kaden. I love the relationship she has with him and I love knowing that my Mom is helping me raise him with the same love she raised me with. I am so thankful for my Dad. He embraces his role as a Papa and I am so thankful that he steps in to fill the role of a Father to Kaden. The past three years the three of us traveled through so much heartache together and yet we all grew as individuals but also as a family. They are always encouraging me as a Mother and giving me the love and support I need. They are my “back-ups” and I am thankful that I have them in my life to help make the journey of a single Mom not seem so lonely.

I am thankful for my sister Megan and my brother Will. I love how we went from the little kids who picked on each other and teased each other relentlessly to grown adults who encourage, love and support each other. I love how my brother is still a kid at heart and sees no problem with tackling me or my sister to the ground. I love the moments when we get to be together as a family and laugh and make more memories together. I love watching them with Kaden. It warms my heart! Although Will is not home all that often, Kaden always instantly warms up to him and is just in awe of his Uncle Will. I am proud of both of them and the man and woman they have become and are even still becoming. I am thankful for the love and support they have given me the past few years and thankful that I am blessed to have such an amazing sister and brother.

I am thankful for my soon to be sis-in-law Gina and my soon to be bro-in-law Brad. Gina and Brad are great additions to our family. I am thankful for the love they have for my brother and my sister and I am so excited to watch both of them start these new chapters in their lives! I am thankful Will found an amazing woman who has a smile as big as her heart, a woman who is patient and sweet, a woman who supports him in so many ways and encourages him along the way. I am thankful Megan found a man who is gentle and kind, a man who encourages and builds her up, a man who is driven, and a man who is leader. I guess in some ways I never thought of what it would be like to gain a brother or sister but I can say now it’s pretty amazing. I am thankful they both value family and embrace each one of us with love. I love how Gina is right at home with us even if Will isn’t there, I love the fire that burns in her and the love she has for life, it’s contagious. I love how Brad has truly become like a brother to me, in the ways he teases me and also in the ways he encourages me. And I love how both of them love on Kaden.

I am thankful for my friends. I am blessed with SO many amazing friends. I am thankful for the new friends that have entered my life in the past few years. The best part of those friendships is they know me for me, not who I once was or who I was trying to be. I love that each friendship brings something different to the table. I love that in each friendship there is something they get about me that no one else does. I love that they dare to challenge me when I need to be challenged. Love that they listen when I need to talk and I love when they come to me when they need a listening ear. I love that we can be wild and crazy and make amazing memories and I love the quiet stay at home and “just be” moments together.

I am thankful for my job. It has taken some time to adjust to working full time every other week but I finally feel like I have a handle on it and I am thankful for the extra income. I truly love my job. We have great members who truly care about us and it's fun getting to know them and to know them for more than just another account. I love my coworkers, each one of them is different and unique and yet we make a great team. Sure we have our bad days but overall we have fun together and there is always something to laugh about. I am thankful for a job that understands the importance family and allows me to put my son first.
I never thought I would say this but I am thankful for the pain and heartache I endured the past few years. While it was not an easy road to travel, it is the road that has shaped me into the person I am today. It is the road that has helped me rediscover who I am and who I want to be. I know it has helped me become the Mom, the sister, the daughter, the friend and woman I am today. I love that each bump along this road has taught me something new. I love that for once in my life I truly believe I have something to offer and that I am worthy of being loved. I have finally learned that I don’t have to be who someone wants me to be; I just simply get to be me.

I am thankful for second chances. Life isn’t easy and I sure make my mistakes from time to time so I am thankful for the second chances that are given. And at the same time thankful that I have a heart willing to offer second chances. I am thankful that after three years my previous mother-in-law and I are rebuilding and redefining our relationship. I am thankful for my family and friends who forgive me time and time again when I let them down or fail them in some way. Thankful that I know I will get a second chance at love again. Someday I know my heart will be willing to take the risk and expose itself again. Thankful for the hope I have to someday be a family again with a loving husband and father. Overall, second chances just remind me that my story is not finished and there is more to be written.

These are just some of the many, many blessings in my life. Life may have its ups and downs but at the end of the day I am blessed beyond measure. I am truly thankful for every single blessing in my life, no matter how big or small they may be.

My Heart

Today at church we had a message that really hit home to me in so many different ways. The message ended with a video of church members holding up signs with different things that "hold" them if you will, such as "I need to be in control" or "My family appears to have it all together". At the end of the video there were two questions that really got me thinking.

#1 Where is your heart?
My heart feels broken and far from whole these days.
I feel broken because I am a single Mom and I feel like I can never do enough or be enough for my son.
I feel broken because I am divorced. Regardless of the reason of my divorce, the divorce is a failed marriage and that leaves me feeling like I failed. I failed even when I fought to save my marriage despite his choices that in so many people's minds gave me a "right" to be divorced.
I feel broken because I am single. There are times I compare myself to my ex or other divorced friends who are now remarried or well on their way and I ask myself what is wrong with me since I am still single and alone.
I feel broken because I feel like I have no direction. I feel so far from the dreams and desires I have for my life.
My heart is holding on the label of being broken in so many different aspects.

#2 Where does God want my heart to be?
God wants me to stop putting these labels on myself.

God wants me to be proud of the strength He has given me to be all that I can be for my son and to lean on Him when I am weary.

God wants me to remember that He has forgiven me for any mistakes I made in my marriage and to embrace the changes He brought in me as I traveled the journey of divorce.

God wants me to remember I am never alone and He is all I need, to remember that He loves me for me. And He wants to remind me that He is in control. He knows every desire of my heart and I need to put my hope in Him and trust that things will fall into place in His time and His way. God wants me to see that I am not broken and to let go of that label.

It's a lot to think about and in so many ways its a whole new logic for me. It wasn't until today that I realized I too often am the one giving myself the broken label. I have been blaming others for labeling me that way or making me feel that way. Reality check! Even if they do think that, its up to me to allow that to define what I think of myself or not. And I don't want to be broken anymore.

Kaden Luis,

Words cannot even describe how much joy you bring to my life! I have been so amazed the past few weeks at how grown up you are becoming. You are such a polite little boy, always saying please and thank you and when I call your name you say "yes, Mom". You are so loving! You always give me hugs and kisses and when you lay in bed with me you almost always either rub my arm or play with my hair. You are a huge helper bee. You used your Tonka trucks to help me weed the other day and tonight you helped me pick up sticks from the big wind storm. These days you love pretending to be a monster so you can scare people. You are also gaining quite the imagination. Just the other day you started chasing me with my belt telling me it was a snake. Tonight as we were leaving daycare I asked you to give me your craft so it wouldn't blow away. Two seconds later you yelled "Mom!" I turned around and asked you what you needed and your response was "hold me, I'm going to blow away!" Oh Kaden! We stopped at my work on the way home and you got to meet a police man. Just before bed you found the top of a contact case which just so happened to be blue so you placed it on your head and said "Look Mom, I'm a policeman!" You my little sunshine make me smile everyday! You melt my heart with the way you love me. I am so blessed to be your Mommy! Some days I wish I could slow down the clock and keep you little but I am also realizing what a blessing it is to watch you grow.

I love you yesterday, today, tomorrow. I always have and I always will!

XOXO

You Are My Sunshine

I have sung "You Are My Sunshine" to Kaden from the time I was pregnant with him. Kaden doesn't really love to sing with me but this is one song he will let me sing. I was tickled pink the other day when I started singing it and he actually sang along. Melt my heart!!! As I laid in bed with him that night I decided I needed to video this moment. I knew he wouldn't do it if he knew he was being video taped so this video is pretty much pitch black with us singing in the background. And at the end you hear our nightly routine of how much Mommy loves him and how long Mommy loves him. I will savor this video forever! So precious!

Our Family Is Growing!

This is my sister Megan and her fiance, Brad. Their wedding is March 2012!

And this is my brother Will and his fiance, Gina. Their wedding is December 10, 2011.

As you can see my family has a pretty exciting few months ahead of us. My baby brother gets married in December and my baby sister gets married in March! My sister just got engaged a few weeks ago and I could not be more excited. The best part is I adore my soon to be sister-in-law Gina as well as my soon to be brother-in-law Brad. They are both great fits for my siblings and our family. It's truly a blessing to know God brought two amazing individuals into our family and more importantly into my brother and sister's lives.

And now the infamous question I get, how I am handling all this? To be honest, for the most part I am handling it well. I had a moment where I cried after my sister's engagement only because I always thought it would have been a moment my ex would have shared with us, he was like a big brother to her and knowing he no longer is a part of any of this hit me for a bit. Other than that moment, I am loving this! Believe it or not, I have never stood up in any weddings so I am pretty excited to be standing up for my brother and even more excited to be my sister's maid of honor! And of course, the best part is Kaden gets to be the ring bearer for both of them!!!

I do have days where I feel a bit overwhelmed with all the wedding talk. After all, I have a wedding for one of my friends this month, I am helping my friend plan her destination wedding in March and then add in my brother and sister's weddings and at times I need to escape it. But at the same time, I refuse to let anything get in the way of being a part of all the special moments with my sister.

If anything, all this makes me dream of the day God brings a man into my life again. I keep reminding myself that God knows the desires of my heart and in His time and His way He will fulfill them.

Another First

Sunday morning I kissed my baby boy goodbye and he left to go on vacation for four days with his Daddy. Leadning up to Sunday I was dreading it big time! I had talked it up huge for Kaden. I wanted him to be excited and I wanted him to have a good time with his Daddy.

I cried after his Dad picked him up Sunday morning and I was not sure how in the world I was going to get through the next four days. I kept myself busy and I actually handled it very well. I almost felt guilty saying I was enjoying the break. Thankfully most people reminded me that was okay to enjoy my break especially since I don't get them very often.

I went for my first motorcycle ride. (I may have loved it so much that I may have to consider that a must for the next guy I date, lol!) I picked up Kaden's bedrails and converted it from a toddler bed to a full size bed, I picked up my bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding, cleaned the house, had a bridal shower for my soon to be sister-in-law and went out with friends at night. Oh and worked of course.

I talked to Kaden tonight and hearing his little voice just made me realize just how much I miss him. I am super excited that tomorrow I get to go pick him up and bring him home!! I can't wait to show him his new bed, although I dare say tomorrow he will be snuggling in bed with me!

Hudsonville Fair Night

Tonight Kaden and I went to the Hudsonsville fair with my friend and his two kids. We started out with the animal barns but the kids were running through those pretty quickly. Kaden was in his glory on all the John Deere equipment and I have no doubt that as far as he was concerned we could have stayed right there all night and he would have been thrilled. We did manage to get him away from the tractors finally and we headed to the rides. Kaden was so overstimulated at first and was definitely not sure of it all. I took Kaden on the train ride first and he busted into tears because he wasn't in the engine, lol! Thankfully, he settled down and loved the ride! Kaden went on a few rides and I actually went down the big slide with him to which he quickly told me "I not doing that again, Mom!" Our night came to an end when the thunderstorm rolled in, bummer.

I loved watching Kaden take it all in and I loved spending time with him. I remember back in the day going to the Hudsonville fair every single summer and how fun it was to run into so many people you knew. Not so sure I love that aspect anymore. It was a bit difficult tonight for me. At any given point I could point out at least three people that I knew. There are some people who interact with me, tell me how great I look and how cute Kaden is, those who genuinely care about me and what is going on in my life. Then there are those who do the "how are you" with the pity divorce twist to it. There are those who I cringe at the thought of talking to because I dare say they run with any bit of gossip they can get on me. There are those who see I am with a guy and make assumptions, or think oh yeah she is finally with someone, or who plain just don't think I should be moving on. And then there are those who stare at me but ignore me all together as if I have a disease. Sigh, And maybe sigh again. Three summers later and this is still defining me. Sigh.

I know for some people they are just uncomfortable and they don't know what to say. I get that. I know for others they may even think they are the last person I would want to talk to. Fair but I promise I don't bite. Just please don't treat me like I am broke, like I have a disease or like I am broken.

And I know some people are just so excited to see me with a guy because they love me and want nothing more than to see me moving on and having my happily ever after too. I get that and I appreciate it. And I urge you then to pray that God blesses me and Kaden with that man in His time. Until then, just know I am content and I am happy. I did the dating thing and had my heart broken and quite honestly I am in no rush to put my heart back out there again.

For those who talk to me and treat me as any other normal human being, thank you! I love nothing more than interacting with people who can be so real and true with me. People who want to hear how I am doing but also who want to share how their lives are going. People who make me feel like far more than "that divorced girl".

I look forward to the day when this divorce isn't something people use to define me anymore.