Weekend Fun

Friday night we went bowling with Papa. Kaden loved it!

Saturday night we headed out to Berlin Raceway to watch the races. We only made it out there once last summer because Kaden had no sit in him. I am happy to say he did great this year! I have a feeling we will spend lots of our weekends out at the racetrack with Uncle Brad and Aunt Megan.

He was covering his eyes to keep the oil dry out of his eyes, sadly I don't think it worked.

We got a new-to-us swingset this weekend! Kaden is SO excited to have it all put together.

We went to Mason's baptism open house, sadly we missed the actual baptism since we were at the emergency room. This is a picture of baby Leo as Mason was sound asleep.

We spent Sunday morning at the Helon DeVos Children's Hospital. Kaden had got something in his eye last night at the races. I thought a good night sleep and he would be good to go but he woke up screaming and crying that his eye hurt. Poor buddy has a cornea abrasion. A few days of antibiotics and he should be goood to go but he sure has had a rough day today.

A busy weekend makes for one tired boy! Sound asleep in the car with a sucker in his mouth (made Mom very nervous!)

February . . . and THE dates!

This is the month I have dreaded the past few years. There are just too many dates jam packed into one month. Kaden being baptized which ended up being our last family event, our first date night after Kaden was born on Valentine's Day, and him leaving the very next day. And then add in his birthday and our wedding annivesary and it's just a month I wish to fast forward through.

For the first time, I am okay with this month. I don't love it or the dates that "haunt" me but I also know that God can and will "heal the memories". I know I am exactly where I am meant to be and I am proud of how far I have come and the woman I am today.

Out of the memories that I allow to "haunt me" I have developed an amazing bond with my family, my friendships have blossomed and strengthened, I have a job that I love, and I am raising an amazing sweet loving little three year old on my own and I am proud!

I realize that in the past three years I have found myself. I have found joy in living life for me and Kaden, I have found peace in entrusting God with my life and I have hope that He has amazing things in store for us yet.

I am thankful for the hurt that has shaped me into who I am today and who I have yet to become.

I look at pictures of Kaden and I and my heart smiles, the road we have traveled has only helped our bond as Mother and son be even stronger and amazingly beautiful!

Preschool Enrollment

A few weeks ago I saw something on Facebook about Jenison Christian having their preschool open house. It dawned on me then that this was something I needed to consider. Jenison Christian is where Kaden's Dad and I had always said our kids would go and I still desire for him to go there. Plus, my cousin's daughter is six weeks younger than Kaden so they will be in the same class which I just love! I wasn't sure if I was ready to sign him up even if it was for the 2012-2013 school year but decided we better check it out.

I asked Kaden's Dad to go with us but he had other things going on so thankfully my Mom was willing to go with us and check it out. It was so surreal to me to be walking into a school with my baby boy! It warmed my heart to see another girl who had been in my infertility support group there with her daughter, who would have thought? It was fun running into people and realizing just how many of the parents I already know. I do have to say it made me feel old though, ha! Kaden loved it. I didn't think I was ever going to get him away from the train table or the sand table. He really loved the balance beam.

I am realizing as time goes on that I am gaining more confidence in doing these things on my own. I expected that his Dad would not be able to go and while it disappoints me that he missed out on this exciting new chapter not only for Kaden but also for himself, I really feel that this was one of the first times when I felt completely confident and comfortable being there just me and Kaden. My Mom stayed and was willing to stay until the end with me but after the first little bit she headed out and it was just me and Kaden. And not once did I feel out of place or feel like I had something missing.

I was a bit on the fence about wether to sign him up for three's preschool or four's preschool. Thankfully they made that decision easy. The four's preschool has a cutoff of December 1 so Kaden misses that by 12 days. So three's preschool it is for Kaden! Seems he may be one of the older ones for his class but from what I am told that is a good thing for a boy.

I am going to keep Kaden at his current learning center/daycare and just add the three's preschool to the mix. So two days a week will be preschool in the morning and two days a week will be the learning center/daycare starting this fall. I should have one very smart little boy come Kindergarten time :)

Not only is all this so surreal to me but at the same time I have also made some BIG decisions regarding school. I never went to college because quite frankly it was all very intimidating to me and the idea of being on a huge campus with a bunch of different people I didn't know gave me anxiety. Plus, I was already dating Kaden's Dad and working full time with dreams of being a wife and Mommy. For the past year, I have thought about going back to school but always talked myself out of it. Not anymore! I am in the process of looking into financial assitance and online classes to get an Associates in Marketing! I have decided to do online classes so that I can do it after Kaden goes to bed or when he is with his Dad. I don't want to give up anymore time with him. This is a HUGE step for me but I am very excited and I am praying the right doors open up to make this happen. I never thought at 30 years old I would be going back to school but then again there are a lot of things I never thought I would live and for the most part they have all made me a better person so why not?

Our Year In Review 2011

January - Kaden discoverd a love for playing in the snow!

February - We got hit with a HUGE snowstorm!

March - I repainted my kitchen and living room.

April - Kaden has surgery to remove his tonsils and adnoids.

May - I got my first tattoo on my 30th birthday!

June - Kaden went to his first race at Berlin Raceway.

July - We spent a week at a cottage on Lake Leelanau!

August - We went to the Husonville fair with friends.

September - Our street makes the local news due to water in the gas main. We were without gas for days!!! They actually had to run all new line and put a new meter on every single house!

October - We went to several Halloween events - John Ball Zoo, Boulder Ridge Animal Park, Pumpkin Path and of course the neighborhood trick-or-treating.

November - Kaden was broken of his pipe! We made a Build-A-Bear monkey and he put the pipe inside of Monkey George!

December - My brother got married and Gina officially became a part of our family!

Happy New Year!

Thankful For My Many, Many Blessings

I am thankful for my faith. It’s the one always constant thing I have in my life. It gives me the strength to keep going even on the hardest days. It reminds me that even if I don’t like where I am at in my life, that I am exactly where God intends me to be. It reminds me that my story isn’t finished yet; His plans for my life are still unfolding. It gives me comfort when it think of the babies I have lost; knowing one day I will see them and hold them in my arms. My faith reminds me that God is always constant, always there and will never ever leave me. I am thankful that He gives me HOPE, thankful for the strength He gave me to get through some really tough times and thankful that He never left my side even when I screamed really loud.

I am thankful for Kaden. Kaden brings me unending joy and he lights up my life. There is nothing in the world that can compare to being his Mommy. I love waking up to his hugs and kisses. I love lying in bed at night reading books, singing songs and saying prayers together. I love when his tiny little fingers hold my hand. I love when he gently rubs my arm when I snuggle him. I love his innocence and the way he makes even the smallest thing in life seem like the best thing that ever happened. I always dreamed of being a Mommy but I never ever imagined it to be this amazing!

I am thankful for my parents. I am thankful that my Mom is able to spend two days a week with Kaden. I love the relationship she has with him and I love knowing that my Mom is helping me raise him with the same love she raised me with. I am so thankful for my Dad. He embraces his role as a Papa and I am so thankful that he steps in to fill the role of a Father to Kaden. The past three years the three of us traveled through so much heartache together and yet we all grew as individuals but also as a family. They are always encouraging me as a Mother and giving me the love and support I need. They are my “back-ups” and I am thankful that I have them in my life to help make the journey of a single Mom not seem so lonely.

I am thankful for my sister Megan and my brother Will. I love how we went from the little kids who picked on each other and teased each other relentlessly to grown adults who encourage, love and support each other. I love how my brother is still a kid at heart and sees no problem with tackling me or my sister to the ground. I love the moments when we get to be together as a family and laugh and make more memories together. I love watching them with Kaden. It warms my heart! Although Will is not home all that often, Kaden always instantly warms up to him and is just in awe of his Uncle Will. I am proud of both of them and the man and woman they have become and are even still becoming. I am thankful for the love and support they have given me the past few years and thankful that I am blessed to have such an amazing sister and brother.

I am thankful for my soon to be sis-in-law Gina and my soon to be bro-in-law Brad. Gina and Brad are great additions to our family. I am thankful for the love they have for my brother and my sister and I am so excited to watch both of them start these new chapters in their lives! I am thankful Will found an amazing woman who has a smile as big as her heart, a woman who is patient and sweet, a woman who supports him in so many ways and encourages him along the way. I am thankful Megan found a man who is gentle and kind, a man who encourages and builds her up, a man who is driven, and a man who is leader. I guess in some ways I never thought of what it would be like to gain a brother or sister but I can say now it’s pretty amazing. I am thankful they both value family and embrace each one of us with love. I love how Gina is right at home with us even if Will isn’t there, I love the fire that burns in her and the love she has for life, it’s contagious. I love how Brad has truly become like a brother to me, in the ways he teases me and also in the ways he encourages me. And I love how both of them love on Kaden.

I am thankful for my friends. I am blessed with SO many amazing friends. I am thankful for the new friends that have entered my life in the past few years. The best part of those friendships is they know me for me, not who I once was or who I was trying to be. I love that each friendship brings something different to the table. I love that in each friendship there is something they get about me that no one else does. I love that they dare to challenge me when I need to be challenged. Love that they listen when I need to talk and I love when they come to me when they need a listening ear. I love that we can be wild and crazy and make amazing memories and I love the quiet stay at home and “just be” moments together.

I am thankful for my job. It has taken some time to adjust to working full time every other week but I finally feel like I have a handle on it and I am thankful for the extra income. I truly love my job. We have great members who truly care about us and it's fun getting to know them and to know them for more than just another account. I love my coworkers, each one of them is different and unique and yet we make a great team. Sure we have our bad days but overall we have fun together and there is always something to laugh about. I am thankful for a job that understands the importance family and allows me to put my son first.
I never thought I would say this but I am thankful for the pain and heartache I endured the past few years. While it was not an easy road to travel, it is the road that has shaped me into the person I am today. It is the road that has helped me rediscover who I am and who I want to be. I know it has helped me become the Mom, the sister, the daughter, the friend and woman I am today. I love that each bump along this road has taught me something new. I love that for once in my life I truly believe I have something to offer and that I am worthy of being loved. I have finally learned that I don’t have to be who someone wants me to be; I just simply get to be me.

I am thankful for second chances. Life isn’t easy and I sure make my mistakes from time to time so I am thankful for the second chances that are given. And at the same time thankful that I have a heart willing to offer second chances. I am thankful that after three years my previous mother-in-law and I are rebuilding and redefining our relationship. I am thankful for my family and friends who forgive me time and time again when I let them down or fail them in some way. Thankful that I know I will get a second chance at love again. Someday I know my heart will be willing to take the risk and expose itself again. Thankful for the hope I have to someday be a family again with a loving husband and father. Overall, second chances just remind me that my story is not finished and there is more to be written.

These are just some of the many, many blessings in my life. Life may have its ups and downs but at the end of the day I am blessed beyond measure. I am truly thankful for every single blessing in my life, no matter how big or small they may be.

My Heart

Today at church we had a message that really hit home to me in so many different ways. The message ended with a video of church members holding up signs with different things that "hold" them if you will, such as "I need to be in control" or "My family appears to have it all together". At the end of the video there were two questions that really got me thinking.

#1 Where is your heart?
My heart feels broken and far from whole these days.
I feel broken because I am a single Mom and I feel like I can never do enough or be enough for my son.
I feel broken because I am divorced. Regardless of the reason of my divorce, the divorce is a failed marriage and that leaves me feeling like I failed. I failed even when I fought to save my marriage despite his choices that in so many people's minds gave me a "right" to be divorced.
I feel broken because I am single. There are times I compare myself to my ex or other divorced friends who are now remarried or well on their way and I ask myself what is wrong with me since I am still single and alone.
I feel broken because I feel like I have no direction. I feel so far from the dreams and desires I have for my life.
My heart is holding on the label of being broken in so many different aspects.

#2 Where does God want my heart to be?
God wants me to stop putting these labels on myself.

God wants me to be proud of the strength He has given me to be all that I can be for my son and to lean on Him when I am weary.

God wants me to remember that He has forgiven me for any mistakes I made in my marriage and to embrace the changes He brought in me as I traveled the journey of divorce.

God wants me to remember I am never alone and He is all I need, to remember that He loves me for me. And He wants to remind me that He is in control. He knows every desire of my heart and I need to put my hope in Him and trust that things will fall into place in His time and His way. God wants me to see that I am not broken and to let go of that label.

It's a lot to think about and in so many ways its a whole new logic for me. It wasn't until today that I realized I too often am the one giving myself the broken label. I have been blaming others for labeling me that way or making me feel that way. Reality check! Even if they do think that, its up to me to allow that to define what I think of myself or not. And I don't want to be broken anymore.

Kaden Luis,

Words cannot even describe how much joy you bring to my life! I have been so amazed the past few weeks at how grown up you are becoming. You are such a polite little boy, always saying please and thank you and when I call your name you say "yes, Mom". You are so loving! You always give me hugs and kisses and when you lay in bed with me you almost always either rub my arm or play with my hair. You are a huge helper bee. You used your Tonka trucks to help me weed the other day and tonight you helped me pick up sticks from the big wind storm. These days you love pretending to be a monster so you can scare people. You are also gaining quite the imagination. Just the other day you started chasing me with my belt telling me it was a snake. Tonight as we were leaving daycare I asked you to give me your craft so it wouldn't blow away. Two seconds later you yelled "Mom!" I turned around and asked you what you needed and your response was "hold me, I'm going to blow away!" Oh Kaden! We stopped at my work on the way home and you got to meet a police man. Just before bed you found the top of a contact case which just so happened to be blue so you placed it on your head and said "Look Mom, I'm a policeman!" You my little sunshine make me smile everyday! You melt my heart with the way you love me. I am so blessed to be your Mommy! Some days I wish I could slow down the clock and keep you little but I am also realizing what a blessing it is to watch you grow.

I love you yesterday, today, tomorrow. I always have and I always will!

XOXO