It's been 3 years, 3 months and 30 days since I became pregnant using IVF.
It's been 2 years, 7 months and 20 days since my son Kaden was born.
It's been 2 years, 5 months and 16 days since my husband left me.
It's been 2 years, 3 months and 25 days since my husband filed for divorce.
It's been 1 year, 2 months and 19 days since our divorce finalized.
It's been 30 years, 2 months and 15 days that God has planned every detail of my life and remained faithful to me even in the hard times.
I am a numbers girl and I am also a dates girl. There are certain dates that I will probably always remember, good and bad. Some dates I wish I could forget or that I could convince myself seemed unimportant and yet I know they are dates that God planned for me. They are dates that altered my life as I knew it. Dates that left me clinging to God terrified of what the future held.
I think everyone tends to look at me in amazement at how strong I seem. They see me happy, happier than I have ever been. And they see me as a Mom who devotes my life to my precious little boy.
It feels now as if people forget this is still hard. Maybe it's my fault for presenting myself as strong all the time. The truth is it's still hard, very hard. It can be heartbreaking some days actually.
I grieve now more for Kaden and the unfair life of going back and forth from home to home. I grieve for the moments he is missing out on that should be shared by two parents. I no longer grieve for my marriage or that relationship for myself but I do grieve the loneliness. I miss sharing my day with someone and I often wonder what it would be like to have someone to share all those Kaden moments with. I miss having someone to encourage me when life if tough in one way or another. I miss having someone give me that one simple hug that makes me feel like everything will be okay.
Kaden was only two months when my husband left so I don't really know what it's like to have a spouse to parent with you. So I often wonder what it would be like to have someone help me with discipline, or to step in when I am exhausted, or to help with the next stage in life such as potty training or to simply laugh with me as we watch our son.
Today for the first time in a long time, I let the tears come. It wasn't my intention and I certainly tried to hold them back. It seemed God just wanted me to let them flow for once. I was thankful at that very moment for my Grandmother who sat next to me rubbing my back and giving me encouragement. The most touching part of it is knowing she knows to an extent what this is like. She lost her husband to cancer while she still had two children at home. So she knows that while having children at home is such a blessing and that it is a blessing from God that helps fill the void, there is also a loneliness that you can't deny. She talked about how her children gave her a purpose to keep going. So true! Kaden has been the blessing that has kept me going since the day I became a single Mom. When he is home with me it's easier to live life and find joy. And yet when he is gone with his Dad, I lose my purpose and I have a harder time just being. I try and keep myself busy when he is gone to not let that void feel too real but other times no matter how busy I try to be the void hurts.
So I guess that is where this blog begins. It's my attempt to be raw and real with you. To share in the ups and sometimes even the downs. When I look back at the journey through all of this I know I made it this far not only because of God and my faith but also because God placed AMAZING family and friends in my life with whom I learned to be very raw and real with and in turn I was richly blessed.
It's been 2 years, 7 months and 20 days since my son Kaden was born.
It's been 2 years, 5 months and 16 days since my husband left me.
It's been 2 years, 3 months and 25 days since my husband filed for divorce.
It's been 1 year, 2 months and 19 days since our divorce finalized.
It's been 30 years, 2 months and 15 days that God has planned every detail of my life and remained faithful to me even in the hard times.
I am a numbers girl and I am also a dates girl. There are certain dates that I will probably always remember, good and bad. Some dates I wish I could forget or that I could convince myself seemed unimportant and yet I know they are dates that God planned for me. They are dates that altered my life as I knew it. Dates that left me clinging to God terrified of what the future held.
I think everyone tends to look at me in amazement at how strong I seem. They see me happy, happier than I have ever been. And they see me as a Mom who devotes my life to my precious little boy.
It feels now as if people forget this is still hard. Maybe it's my fault for presenting myself as strong all the time. The truth is it's still hard, very hard. It can be heartbreaking some days actually.
I grieve now more for Kaden and the unfair life of going back and forth from home to home. I grieve for the moments he is missing out on that should be shared by two parents. I no longer grieve for my marriage or that relationship for myself but I do grieve the loneliness. I miss sharing my day with someone and I often wonder what it would be like to have someone to share all those Kaden moments with. I miss having someone to encourage me when life if tough in one way or another. I miss having someone give me that one simple hug that makes me feel like everything will be okay.
Kaden was only two months when my husband left so I don't really know what it's like to have a spouse to parent with you. So I often wonder what it would be like to have someone help me with discipline, or to step in when I am exhausted, or to help with the next stage in life such as potty training or to simply laugh with me as we watch our son.
Today for the first time in a long time, I let the tears come. It wasn't my intention and I certainly tried to hold them back. It seemed God just wanted me to let them flow for once. I was thankful at that very moment for my Grandmother who sat next to me rubbing my back and giving me encouragement. The most touching part of it is knowing she knows to an extent what this is like. She lost her husband to cancer while she still had two children at home. So she knows that while having children at home is such a blessing and that it is a blessing from God that helps fill the void, there is also a loneliness that you can't deny. She talked about how her children gave her a purpose to keep going. So true! Kaden has been the blessing that has kept me going since the day I became a single Mom. When he is home with me it's easier to live life and find joy. And yet when he is gone with his Dad, I lose my purpose and I have a harder time just being. I try and keep myself busy when he is gone to not let that void feel too real but other times no matter how busy I try to be the void hurts.
So I guess that is where this blog begins. It's my attempt to be raw and real with you. To share in the ups and sometimes even the downs. When I look back at the journey through all of this I know I made it this far not only because of God and my faith but also because God placed AMAZING family and friends in my life with whom I learned to be very raw and real with and in turn I was richly blessed.
